Summertime...and the livin’ is procrastinate-y...
Welcome to the Kirkegaard Chapter 21 (21 is a lot). In this chapter, there is lots of smustling, fighting, fainting, and toga partying. There is not a lot of well-adjusted parenting.
We return to the Kirkegaards in the middle of Lora giving birth. Shocker.
It appears I didn’t even take any pictures of the actual children (let’s be honest now, once you’ve seen one sprog, you’ve seen ‘em all), so use your imagination and welcome to the family twin girls Sleepy and Fartface.
Our good parenting streak continues, as every morning in all weather Grumpy is pretty much dumped on the lawn and left to her own devices. Which is how I learned that toddlers can eat snow. Isn’t that precious?
Donner and Blitzen are being equally well-supervised, and have both discovered the bubble machine in the backyard.
Cabaret Schnitzen also learns the pleasures of bubbling your troubles away, so much so that she starts to operate the machine from some meters away.
“You know what’s freaky? Snow. It’s like, water. Or ice. But it’s fluffy...and it’s EVERYWHERE.”
But look! Parenting! Parenting is happening! Well technically Harpo isn’t Cabaret Schnitzen’s mom (Mom is currently napping) but it’s better than nothing!
Responsible guardianship, folks, you learned about it here on the Kirkegaard Legacy.
So, Zeppo, when I said, “Go skill for that last promotion,” you took that to mean, “Make your son extremely uncomfortable by dancing on top of him.”
It’s a baby birthday! You may remember Dopey from last chapter’s game of One Potato, Two Potato. The whole family has come to celebrate his passage from a passive lump to a slightly larger, slightly less passive lump.
“We are here for the cake and nothing more.”
So, Harpo, when I said, “Go change Sleepy’s diaper,” you took that to mean, “Sing a sea shanty in the living room for an hour.”
So, Thunderbolt, when I said, “Go do your homework,” you took that to mean, “Tease Scrumtilescent until he bites your hand.”
Cabaret Schnitzen is...a unique child. I cannot count the number of times I’ve gotten that “What kind of parent lets a child go hungry?” warning on her behalf. I do not understand how a person can be so hungry and yet so bad at acquiring food all at once. We never had these kinds of problems with Lightning. Eat your damn sparkly cereal and stop bugging me with your imminent starvation.
It’s time for Grumpy’s awkwardly abrupt Plantsim transition from toddler to adult. Take a last look at everyone’s knees, Grumps, this is the last you’ll be seeing them from this angle.
Adult!Grumpy and Cabaret Schnitzen immediately bond over a sea shanty while simultaneously 1) missing the schoolbus and 2) preventing Harpo from getting out of the room to change baby Fartface.
Grumpy has chosen fortune as her aspiration, and I’m excited because I figure a fortune plantsim will be fun to run a business with — they don’t need to sleep, so as long as I keep a sun lamp and a shower on hand she should be able to keep up for as long as I feel like playing the business.
The toy store gets too busy for just one person to handle. Harpo comes over to help, and together the two run a tight ship and manage to get the business up its last few levels to a 10.
They also start another, simpler business called “Harpo’s Bazaar” (Geddit? It’s a joke), which consists of a couple tables of whatever I find in their pockets: vacation souvenirs, rocks and bones from digging for treasure, and other random bits and pieces.
Nothing particularly interesting happens here, so soon we head back home.
It’s a big day: time for all four of the Generation Four siblings to grow old. We start with Groucho, who’s as sharp-witted and obnoxious as always.
“The next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you, will ya?”
Chico grows old to join her twin brother.
“Any time you gotta a whole lot, you gotta too much.”
You can’t really tell with Harpo, since an old plantism looks pretty much like a young plantsim.
And Zeppo hits old age too. That, ladies and gentlemen, is a profile for the ages.
Everyone gets super duper stuck in the balcony and small bedroom during the “Oooh let’s watch everybody grow up!” arm-waving train.
And now, with a cesarean performed by the bedroom door, comes the birth of Lora’s tenth child!
She hands one baby to Harpo, dumps the other on the ground, and collapses due to aspiration failure because she’s about to get old.
Did I say the other? Yeah, she had twins again, which brings her to a total of eleven. Mostly because there was one more name I wanted to use.
So, welcome to the family, the final two additions to generation five: twin boys Smackhead and Kenneth.
Shortly thereafter, Lora gets old. It’s going to be fun to raise two infants and two toddlers while the supposedly responsible members of the family are the ones who need diapers.
Donner and Blitzen become teens, everyone gets stuck in the upstairs bedroom again, and Harpo falls asleep on her feet.
I don’t see the next few days in this household being particularly relaxing.
Grumpy and Thunderbolt both want dates, so I send them down to a community lot where Grumpy meets this guy, and they kind of hit it off.
Teens somehow refuse to show up to this lot, so Thunderbolt tries to go amuse himself in other ways, but the Crumplebutt isn’t going for that.
Grumpy seems to share her mother’s date ADD, so she sneaks off to sing sea shanties with Thunderbolt.
No teens show up, but the matchmaker does, so Thunderbolt shells out some cash and gets this kid.
They share a prettily-lit first kiss on the dance floor, but despite the amount of money he spent, the chemistry isn’t really there (Can’t buy me looooo-ooove...), so Thunderbolt and Grumpy both head home, content but not particularly excited.
Aww, guys, we were having such a good lucky streak!
How did that get in here? Grapes’ grave just...transported itself into the middle of the living room.
I’m not sure if this is pets or children fighting, but either way baby Kenneth is having a grand old time watching as he eats out of the pet bowl.
What Child Services doesn’t know won’t hurt ‘em, right?
Harpo, still struggling to find a partner that holds her interest for more than five minutes, goes on a date with an professor from way back in university. Harpo insists on sitting with two imaginary friends, but somehow that doesn’t seem to bother Professor What’s-Her-Face over here.
Harpo feels she’s found a real connection with this woman, and she chooses to express it by making out in the least convenient spot in the restaurant dining room. The waiter, the hostess, AND three patrons are inconvenienced.
Either Donner or Blitzen (it’s funny because I really can’t tell them apart, especially after so long) is a romance guy, and scores a first kiss on the lawn with some Bon Voyage townie whom I believe I used as an extra in the Llama Soup plot.
The other twin, on the other hand, is a lonely, lonely lad and the only romancing he’s getting is from the Social Bunny. Sorry, man.
I’m sure you’re having trouble keeping track of everyone who is everyone in this absurd household (lord knows I am) so I took an afternoon in which everyone was miraculously 1) home and 2) not inches from death and took some family portraits.
Here we have generation four, with Chico, Groucho, Lora and Zeppo the Face Suck Parade, and Harpo.
And here is generation five. In birth order, they are: Thunderbolt, Lightning, Very Very Frightening, Donner, Blitzen, Cabaret Schnitzen, Grumpy, Dopey, Sleepy, Fartface, Smackhead, and Kenneth.
All of them belong to Lora and Zeppo except Grumpy, who is Harpo’s spawn and the heir.
As soon as they are released from their poses, Dopey and Sleepy get into the latest of several fistfights. Instead of stopping the fight or at least removing little Smackhead from the danger zone, their older siblings, parents, and aunts and uncles place bets.
WHAT COUNSELING NO NO WE DON’T NEED NONE OF THAT!
I am in sooo much trouble.
Lightning rolls a want to go to college, and I can’t deny the girl a chance to escape the madness, so off she goes.
Meanwhile, Zeppo has rolled the want to have another baby. This intrigues me because as he ought to know very well, Lora is long past babymaking age.
I interpret this as his passive-aggressive family Sim way of saying he wants to have an affair with Brittany, this townie he works with. And since I’m all for excitement, I decide to let him do it.
Here we have a placeholder named Brunhilda Varshtock explaining to the newly boolprop-playable’d woman how one becomes pregnant.
Zeppo and Brittany get their makeout on, classy-style, on the sidewalk with the neighbors chatting a few feet away.
A gaggle of glitchy CC-less placeholders gathers to witness the act of conception.
Zeppo peaces out, the lot is Speed Three’d, and before long the townies are distracted from their snowman building by Brittany’s “shoo flee!”
The baby is deposited in the snow (wow, I really cannot catch a break from the appallingly bad parenting this episode) and the lot is abandoned forever.
You’re welcome, Zeppo. We shall see if this blows up in your face. I don’t give you good odds.
Meanwhile, several of Zeppo’s other eleven children are aging, and we celebrate by smustling in the living room, as per usual.
Kenneth, the youngest, becomes an unremarkable chld.
Smackhead, Kenneth’s twin, grows up similarly a few hours later. This is a notable event only because this means there are no more toddlers in the house, which means that I have slightly better odds at not getting all the young’uns confiscated by social services.
Slightly more interestingly, Dopey grows into teenhood and a very fashionable scarf and chooses Popularity as an aspiration.
Since not a huge ton of excitement is going on at the Legacy house, let’s see how Lighning is doing at college, eh?
Transition outfit: 8/10, with bonus points for the instantaneous and confusing weight gain. I’ve never heard of the freshman fifteen being gained in the car on the way to the dorm.
Gracious I hope my neighborhood isn’t getting corrupted.
She heads to a community lot in order to rectify the outfit disaster and to seek out Allyn, the current placeholder in the family Greek House.
Instead she gets accosted by a dude from the Not-At-All-Secret Secret Society, who probably wants to play Myshuno. Darren, one of Lightning’s grandmother’s rejected suitors from when she was in her beards-and-hats-are-sexy phase, wanders by sadly, wondering what is the point of it all.
Great-great-at this point I’ve lost track of how many greats-Aunt Carla stops by daily, as is her wont, and hangs out until she inevitably passes out in a bowl of chili and wakes up radiating stink rays.
Lightning’s younger sister Fartface keeps calling to chat. She doesn’t seem to be having a particularly splendid time at home.
“Honey, just tell the kids that are teasing you that your name means something awesome in another language, like, I don’t know, Flemish or Pashto or something.”
As a knowledge Sim, she frequently rolls that odd want to get hit by lightning, and spends most thunderstorms in the hottub.
Lightning wakes up on a typical morning with the following wants: Resurrect her grandfather, get saved from death, see a ghost, eat cereal.
One of these things is not the the others, one of these things just doesn’t belong!
When she finishes Sophomore year, Lightning re-rolls aspirations and becomes Popularity instead, and suddenly all her want slots are occupied by baloons and blue smiley faces. We throw a party, which doesn’t go half-badly, despite the fact that the invited guests consist of Mullet Man #4, the Weird Hair Cheerleader that used to get into fights with Chico and Harpo on the regular, cousin Grumpy in a medieval ballgown that somehow got tagged as outerwear, and an elderly downtownie named Sullivan.
The aspiration re-align suddenly put Allyn and Lightning into perfect sync, and they fall in love harder than me in heels tripping over a microphone wire (what? that’s never actually happened, it’s just a figure of speech...heh?).
Naturally Lightning’s baby-crazy mom calls every day once she finds out that Lightning is in a serious relationship. Despite Lightning’s insistence that they are not interested in supplying Lora with grandchildren anytime soon, some kind of seed is planted in her head and a while later at dinner she tells Allyn that she has something to ask her.
The offer is happily accepted, and Lora just about busts out of her granny panties with joy.
The happy couple coasts out the remainder of their college years with the usual toga parties, games of pool, and llama fights.
Lightning’s attempts to spend time with her family backfire when Kenneth gets into the bubble machine on the patio.
Since graduation is coming up, Lightning invites Neighborhood Mullet Man #12 to move in to hold the SoroFraternity lot until the next generation shows up.
Lightning’s transition outfit is pretty soccer mom-ish, but disappointing.
Allyn looks positively normal. Dammit, where are my track pants with heels, my wierd rave outfits, my plaid shorts? This is lame!
There’s obviously no room in the main legacy household, so Lightning and Allyn move into their own place and get hitched. I forgot to change their adult formalwear so Lightning gets stuck getting married in the gold diva-dress, which does NOT look good with a fat morph.
Lightning gets a job in the paranormal in order to complete a long-held want to resurrect her grandfather Paul. Allyn opens a home salon business and proceeds to make some new friends.
“Did that mean lady just take away the champagne bottle in the middle of our toast?”
Lightning wins a resurrection phone and Paul returns, a little bluer and smellier than we remmeber him.
Good to be back, eh, Paul?
Meanwhile, back at the main household, Thunderbolt is angry because Donner is blocking the oven and he can’t heat up his TV dinner. Grumpy, the greenest cat burglar this side of Strangetown, tries to soothe him with a sea shanty.
We’re having more problems with fights -- with this many siblings in the house, some of them are bound to hate each other. Now that Dopey is a teen he can’t fight with Fartface any more, but for some reason Blitzen seems to be uniquely capable of pissing everyone off. He gets into frequent fights with his twin brother Donner and their next-oldest sister, Very Very Frightning.
The social bunny, who has arrived for a love-starved Harpo, jeers and whoops along with the rest of this tremendously well-adjusted family.
Very Very Frightening wins most of the fights and demonstrates how unfazed she is by plopping herself down at the piano right aftewards.
Blitzen tries to defuse the tension by playfully tickling Cabaret Schnitzen, but she is having none of it.
Watching two identical people have a fight is kind of disappointing. You know what the outcome is going to look like either way.
I mean, um, violence is bad.
Grumpy, who, despite being practically forgotten because she’s not needy, violent, or constantly pregnant, is the heir of generation five. She and puffy-vest downtownie have some serious chemistry and they get engaged on the porch.
Lora suddenly dies on me, which I guess is why Donner, Harpo, and Dopey are sea-shantying by the lemonade stand. But I can’t find her tombstone anywhere, which worries me.
It’s time for a segment called: Various and Sundry Places My Sims Decide To Pass Out. Exhibit A: standing up in a llama costume mere inches from an unoccupied bed.
Exhibit B: In a burglar costume on the sidewalk due to sunlight deprivation. I wish they would remember that there are sun lamps in the living room.
Exhiit C: In an absurd medieval elfin gown that somehow got classified as outerwear on the sidewalk due to sunlight deprivation.
Because I am a crazy person, I let lonely, sad Zeppo adopt a kitty after his wife’s death. It does mean we have five pets in the house, but it’s so precious that I don’t really mind.
LOOK AT THE PRECIOUS.
LOOK AT IT.
Okay, uh, see you next time.