Kirkegaard Legacy Chapter 21
Ingredients needed: 3 straw hats, 1 afterlife-earth frequent-flyer discount, 500 boxes of pet food, 1 puffy vest, several absurd costumes, 1 bottle of rum.
Okay, so, the house got a little crazy at this point. I mean, absurdly so. And I do enjoy a good helping of the crazy, so believe me when I say it was completely unmanageable. Which, yes, I brought upon myself, by moving in all the Gen 4 spares AND letting Lora and Zeppo have eleven children AND letting them all adopt kitties and puppies whenever they wanted.
The idea was better in theory than in practice.
Long story short I spent a lot more time preventing deaths, failing grades, visits from Social Services and/or the Humane Society, routing fails, bathroom “shoo-flee” fests, etc etc, than actually taking pictures. So they’re a bit spotty for a while here. Forgive me.
And I wasn’t entirely successful in preventing deaths, either.
Actually, come to think of it, I was spectacularly unsuccessful. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Very Very Frightening was the second child to get shipped off to college. Her transition outfit made me snicker with glee. The only thing that is very very frightening about that outfit is how badly those two shades of pink do not match.
Unfortunately, shortly after her arrival and admittance to the Annya Fruhm Fruhm SoroFraternity, she was electrocuted while attempting to repair the computer. Her housemate, Mullet Man #5, was eating pizza at the time and by the time he lumbered into the computer room it was too late and the Reaper was already calling in the heavenly beams of light and whatnot.
And we barely had time to finish mourning Very Very Frightening when, back on the Legacy lot, this happened.
This one was on purpose though.
See, Fartface had recently become a teenager and had developed a thirst for knowledge. And she kept whining at me to “Get Saved From Death,” so I was like, fine, go wander around the yard until you starve to death. Which she dutifully did.
As soon as she collapsed I sent her favorite Aunt Harpo out to plead for her life.
But, uh, the thing was, though, it didn’t work.
I’ve never had a Sim lose to the Reaper before, although in retrospect I realized that was probably because the person pleading was usually a beloved spouse of the deceased, rather than an aunt who just happened to hang out with her a lot because her mother was always asleep or barfing.
But I felt so bad about Very Very Frightening, and the whole family was whining at me to bring her back, that I figured I’d let one of her brothers resurrect her. So Smackhead gave Grim a call and a big ol’ pile of money, and back she came from beyond the grave.
And promptly plonked down at the bubble blower without missing a beat.
The only person who appears shocked is a visiting neighbor. Everyone else seems pretty relaxed about it, but that might have to do with the amount of substance abuse going on at this point.
But Fartface still kept bugging me to get her saved from death, even though it really didn’t turn out great the first time. Finally, I agreed to set her on fire, and then have Smackhead, with whom she had become best friends after that whole reanimating-her-lifeless-body favor he did for her.
This time, it worked. And so the sum total of this whole parade of struggles is that Fartface got some aspiration points.
Sleepy decides she wants to get into Private School, and I remember that we haven’t done that whole rigamarole in a while so I have her lead ol’ Pierce Buckingham around our tastefully decorated homestead. He appreciates it.
Somebody’s date brings over a dance sphere and I leave it in the yard, giving hours of amusement to the neighbors as Groucho spins around in his signature Viking helmet.
The snows of winter arrive, but the penguin doesn’t seem particularly impressed with our attempts at building a snowman.
Zeppo’s after me for grandkids, and the only one of his children even remotely capable of caring for a child is Lightning. So she and her wife Allyn call up the adoption agency. In time, Gorilla Face Social Worker arrives in a van, carries the newborn up the steps, walks right past Lightning and Allyn and hands the baby to Sam, their freeloading zombie grandfather.
“Seriously? There are two young, gainfully employed, non-decaying women in this household and you hand the baby to me?”
“My hands are tied by the State. I frown to indicate my displeasure.”
I realize that, as much fun as the Lora/Zeppo Cheaper By The Dozen knock-off is, Grumpy is still the heir for Generation 5 and needs to get a move-on if she’s gonna produce Generation 6 before her seed pods start to wilt, so to speak.
She already has a fiance, Puffy Vest Downtownie. But despite the “Lot Full of Sims” mod that I have installed, it’s still not possible to marry or move anyone in if the lot has over ten members. Which, at last count, this one has, um...Lora, Zeppo, Groucho, Chico, Harpo, Thunderbolt, Donner, Blitzen, Cabaret Schnitzen, Grumpy, Dopey, Sleepy, Fartface, Smackhead, Kenneth, two dogs (Jimmy Stewart and Scrumtilescent), and three cats (Timocil, Titus Andronicus, and Balance Beam)...which puts us at twenty.
Thunderbolt and Blitzen, who are both adults at this point, are booted from the nest and sent out on their own, taking a couple of the pets with them. This obviously does not sit well with Blitzen, who goes into aspiration failure apparently because somehow it took him until now to process the death of his sister Very Very Frightening.
His girlfriend, Elizabeth, starts to regret her decision to move in with him.
The rest are sent off to college, to possibly be played at a later date. The only notable transition outifts are Dopey’s, who is obviously hoping to use clever camouflage to disguise his pot belly against the desert sand...
Annnd Smackhead, who...did you get dressed out of the Lost & Found at a gay nightclub?
“I plead the fifth.”
They have a grand old time, livin’ it up college style...inviting their parents to their toga parties...y’know. Like you do.
(I may have neglected to mention that Lora’s back because I let Zeppo resurrect her because he kept giving me sad old man eyes and I can’t stand up to those)
Welp, at least this means that Puffy Vest Downtownie (I’m-a call him PVD from now on) (his real name is Eric but I don’t care) can finally marry Grumpy. The ceremony is brief because they’re very down-to-Earth, unostentatious people who belive that love and not decadence is the key to the foundation of a healthy...OK, I’ll be honest, I just couldn’t be buggered.
But they do get a honeymoon, because I’m not so mean as to deny them a little bit of fun. Grumpy and PVD head off to Takemizu Village, and would you look at that? It’s the Sandals-With-Socks Tourist Conga Line, back again to provide us with lots of vacation fun!
If given the choice, this is all they would do. For the entire vacation. Sing sea shanties in their bedroom.
PVD settles down for a little meditation at the Zen garden while Grumpy heads off on a tour of some kind.
Grumpy: This vacation was worth every penny!
Angry Bees: BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Grumpy: *gains aspiration points*
Grumpy manages to corrall the entire population of the island into a smustle train.
The masseuse here doesn’t seem too excited, but he might just be mad because his uniform is pajamas.
After the smustle train, the couple relaxes by the pool and pass the time making fun of townies wimping out on the diving board.
“Oh gosh it looks a lot higher from up here and I think I hear my wife calling and is it about to rain?”
“I don’t want to mess up my hair and I just ate and you know what they say about swimming after you eat and also I don’t think this bathing suit is waterproof so on second thought maybe I should just go take a bath?”
You know, I never thought about this before, but in reality it must be hard being the only member of a married couple that eats or sleeps. That’s gotta be a weird adjustment to make.
On the other hand, they can never accuse each other of hogging the blankets.
They’re cute, though. I wasn’t sure about these guys at first but they’re really pretty great together. Although the two main things they bond over seem to be 1) sea shanties and 2) the pain and humiliation of others.
And I just thought of the name for this chapter. Excuse me for a second. *scribbles*
The honeymoon over, they head back to the house. The airport shuttle arrives at the exact moment that PVD sticks a pop tart in the oven, so...if you hear of any small Japanese villages catching fire in the next few days, just don’t say anything, mkay?
Back at home, PVD makes the rookie mistake of panicking when one of the trees catches on fire during a thunderstorm.
Sweetheart, if every spontaneously combusting object is going to send you into a panic, I’m sorry but you are going to have a difficult time in this house.
With half the number of household members, time passes much more quickly at the Legacy lot, and soon enough Grumpy is spinning out a baby, which I generously name Darajat, which means “bicycles” in Arabic. Yes, that’s right. Bicycles, plural.
Harpo adores her little granddaughter and sets out to babynap the bejeezus out of her.
When I first saw Grim appearing in the living room, it was really anybody’s guess who he was coming for. All these guys have nearly hit eighty and I know there’s not much time left for any of ‘em.
But then Harpo put the baby on the floor. Aw, mannnnnn...
Ok, I know you’re in the middle of something, here, Harpo, but um...does anyone else think it’s maybe not the best idea for a newborn to be lying in the dark, smoking aura of Death himself? Like, I’m pretty sure the recommended diet involves the introduction of puree of carrot before the vapor of tortured souls.
Parents: Grapes and Samuel Kirkegaard
Siblings: Groucho, Chico, and Zeppo Kirkegaard
Spouse: None, due to chronic lack of focus on dates
Children: Grumpy Kirkegaard, spawned
Known for: being Chico’s mute sidekick throughout their childhood and youth...
Caring diligently for their garden and eventually becoming a plantsim, exchanging the signature red ‘fro for leafy foliage...
Making faces, playing pranks, dressing like a crazy person, and generally being a delight.
I’ll miss you, Harpo.
It looks like Grumpy has taken up her mother’s telescope-spying post, and it also looks like Shove-y McPushyPants here has paid a visit to Lightning and Allyn’s salon over on the other side of town.
You look like such a pretty princess! How can you blame people for spying on you?
Death doesn’t leave this family alone for long. First, it’s the first dog we ever adopted, Jimmy Stewart.
And then, tragically, it’s Groucho, who thumbs his nose at the world by passing in the bathroom, forcing one of the Hula Zombies to be relegated to the hallway outside.
“Die, my dear? Why, that’s the last thing I’ll do!”
But even without Groucho, the bizarreness continues.
Are those two gardeners...on a date? On our front porch?
I suppose that explains why the flowers are all dead.
Grumpy chooses to bypass the question of where in the hell Gardener #2 came from and instead plays rock-paper-scissors with him in the living room.
After a few rounds, Random Gardener #2 goes upstairs, changes into his underwear and...
When did we give you permission to sleep over?
I am so confused.
Meanwhile, back downstairs...
Oh God, there’s another one.
How does this keep happening? Where are these straw-hatted intruders coming from?
I would have more energy to spend on that conundrum if Zeppo would stop impaling Darajat with his giant schnozz.
Zeppo, what have I told you about that thing? It’s a lethal weapon, have you got a license for it?
Allyn and Lightning’s business seems to be still going strong.
Grumpy gets a job as a spelunker.
Apparently spelunkers dress like lumberjacks.
Let’s play “What Shouldn't Be On The Floor?”
A. Dog named Merlin Paper Cut (yeah I got real creative with these)
D. Rotten baby bottle (collateral from babynapping epidemic)
Darajat balloons into toddlerhood. It looks like she’s got a good helping of daddy’s features and is going to be a cutie.
Grumpy is too busy to appreciate her daughter’s birthday because she’s in the middle of a sea shanty.
The family is forced to hire a nanny, who performs the usual Bottle Train Dance of Pointlessness while Darajat plays happily with her toys.
The next grandparent to go is Lora, who has been cuddling, adopting puppies, and calling her chilren until the very end.
Lora’s puppy Bugger It grows into an...interesting-looking dog.
New promotion, new outfit. I really love this career.
I don’t know exactly how the maid and a sponge fits into hammock woohoo. And maybe I don’t want to know.
Kitten #73 gets lost under the snow while wandering around looking for something to eat. The haunted dive suit from Scooby Doo rescues her.
Darajat becomes a child and PVD teaches her to study. She must have that stuck-smartmilk thing going on because she’s super smart and already has buttloads of skill points.
“Um...there is an extremely attractive woman in a bikini in my bathroom.”
“Permission to regard this as a gift from Heaven and ask no questions?”
Chico passes away on the sidewalk, leaving only Zeppo left of the siblings.
Darajat becomes a teenager and rolls fortune. I can definitely see her as the brilliant CEO or business mogul type.
“I will crush you.”
Grumpy becomes a space pirate and gets yet another spectacular outfit to go to work in.
Yup, just a normal evening in the Kirkegaard household.
And Zeppo once again gets tempted by the heavens.
“I...I can’t even...”
All righty then it’s time to go before this gets EXTREMELY inappropriate bye bye now.