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12 May 2013 @ 12:45 am
Kirkegaard Legacy Chapter 23: You're On Your Own, Kid, or Guys I'm Really Good At This Game  

Once again after a long hiatus produced by life and stuff, I deliver another chapter of the Kirkegaards. In this chapter, there is fishing, unnecessary death, and too many vests.

Darajat, the only child of Grumpy and Puffy Vest Downtownie, and the heir of Generation Six, is a young fortune Sim with a whole pile o’ skills and a desire to own five top-level businesses.

The first one is a sorely needed salon, in which Darajat gets to work repairing the damage that several (at last count, five) different computers have wrought on my CC folder.

Well, sometimes repairing.

“Oops. Uh, look, let’s just say you...broke even?”

The second business is an organic grocery, with fresh fish and produce caught and grown on-site. It’s amazing how one tiny lake can provide enough torso-sized trout to feed an entire town.

Harpo catches a golden trout and we mount it on the wall. The penguin comes by shortly for a visit, and there is much flipper-waving.

I get bored of the grocery so we head back home, where we are just in time for PVD’s elderfication.

I have a theory that the person who invented plaid shorts did it as a joke and then was really surprised when they somehow caught on, first among golfers, then old people, and then, even more bizarrely...university lacrosse players.

Annnd the gardeners are inviting themselves over again in droves. And apparently making use of our sauna.

Darajat, ever resourceful, takes advantage of the gardener invasion to practice her regional greetings.

Having maxed all her skills and about five badges, Darajat finally heads off to college to see what kinda damage she can do there.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Kids, contrary to what this game might have you believe, college life does not consist entirely of llama fights.

The fact that the legacy house seems to spontaneously generate gardeners turned out to not be so bad after all. Darajat calls up Sullivan for a visit, and soon the pink heart bubbles are swirling.

They go on a lovely date downtown, and the romantic mood is only slightly diminished by the Crumplebutt.

This Grand Vampire seems very interested in Darajat’s date.

“I can be killed with a stake through the heart, but I’ve never heard that you can kill a gardener with an overhead-lamp-switch through the head.”

Darajat spotted this guy at the grocery store and started throwing hearts all over the place. They’ve obviously met before, as only customers at Darajat’s salon get graced with such...interesting headgear.

But somewhere mid-makeout I remember that he’s married to some random placeholder. Ah well, better luck next time, Darajat.

Getting struck by lightning while in the hottub is literally the only thing that gets Crazy Aunt Carla off the lot.

“No worries, I’ll be back tomorrow!”


Llama fight, llama fight
Does whatever a llama fight does.
Can they fight
While you’re sleeping?
Yes they can,
It’s a llama fight.
Look ouuuuuut, it’s a llama fight.

Our poor lonely placeholder, Mullet Man #12, tries to make friends with the llama, but she is having none of it.

Darajat is plugging along with her badges, and stocking up for future businesses. First: flowers.

A coach comes by to torment Mullet Man, but methinks he may need corrective lenses.

“That’s right, jumping jacks, you lazy bag of bones! You’re so fat you’re the size of a door! Come to think of it, you are also the color and shape of a door. How odd.”

Flower badges earned, Darajat moves on to robots.

Sentrybot does not recognize Crazy Aunt Carla as an intruder. This is clearly a design flaw.

Meanwhile, back at the main legacy lot, there’s a hula dancer falling out of our second-story window, which must mean that Zeppo’s dying of old age.

Grumpy is devastated at the loss of her last uncle, bringing an end to the epicness that was the Marx Brothers generation.

Darajat is zooming through college, and halfway through she changes aspirations from fortune to pleasure, which is a bit of a 180. Her new LTW is 50 dream dates. Since she has the phonebook-memory business perk, she can pick up and call anyone in the neighborhood.


Impending neighborhood implosion aside, it means that Darajat gets to go on dates with a whole load of interesting people, including the Count here.

Well, I suppose I should have anticipated that.

Luckily, Darajat has only got a few hours before graduation, so she finishes out her college career as a creature of the night.

She returns home, somewhat grayer and more nocturnal, to Grumpy and PVD.

Here’s the thing: I have never played a vampire before. And I was not aware that, even when inside, their mood goes down just as fast as it does outside. And I was also not aware quite how fast that was.

So the upside is they have to sleep in the coffin all the time during daylight hours or they DIE.

On the other hand, they get to change into a bat. So, that’s kinda cool.

But this whole no-daylight thing was really not working for Darajat, who basically planned to sustain herself on date mood-boosts for the rest of her adult life.

So she rang the Gypsy.

“Look how shiny my crystal ballllll isssss!”

“Can you just sell me some vamprocillin already?”

And with some purple smoke and seriously painful-looking contortions, Darajat transforms back into a flesh-and-blood-and-no-fangs Sim.

But, just because we don’t like vampires doesn’t mean we’re opposed to other creatures. Darajat made this servo in college and brought it home. She activates it now, and names him Bjorn.

Since he’s a personality clone of Darajat, he’s not exactly the most efficient Servo. He enjoys our Backyard of Miscellaneous Pleasures, especially the drum set.

And that mainstay of pleasure-sim pastimes, the hammerspace pillow fight.

Note to self, get one of those mods that changes the pillows into fish.

And just so that we don’t leave anything out...the endless, endless sea shanties.

In the middle of Date #17 with Abhijeet the maid, Darajat feels that the most recent makeout session has left her a little more woozy than normal.

“Could you excuse me? My internal organs seem to have unionized and gone on strike.”

*runs away*


Abhijeet decided it was quite inconsiderate of Darajat to vomit in the middle of their date, and returned with a bag of poo and a lighter.

Oh, brother. Real mature. What happened to chivalry?

Grim and the hula zombies come for Grumpy.


...and, somehow the hula zombies stick around.

And stick around.

And stick around. Uh, ladies? Isn’t it high time you got back to the netherworld?


This cannot be good.

On the other hand, um, new lawn ornament?

Attention is diverted from our unsettling new guests by a familiar legacy mainstay, the difficult-to-photograph bathroom birth sequence.

It occurs to me that I didn’t mention that Darajat was pregnant. But yes. The blarfing on the date a few slides ago? That wasn’t just any old blarfing, it was pregnancy blarfing. I guess one of Darajat’s dream dates came with a prize other than a stereo.

The baby is a boy, and I name him Morgan. Which seems normal, but you just wait.

Step awaaaay from the baby and nobody gets hurt.

The maid gets these kind of dagger eyes when she sees Bjorn doing chores...I think she’s afraid he is rendering her obsolete.

“Hey robot, want to take a walk over by the swimming pool?”

I was wondering where that date reward ended up. Obviously on top of the sauna.

Our backyard is getting a touch crowded.

Can you spot the three unnaturally glowing and possibly radioactive objects in this scene? If you can, congratulations! You just grew a third arm.

Shot #8506 of me nearly killing pregnant Darajat. THIS BODES WELL OH YES SIR IT DOES

PVD is unconcerned.

Also, quick question, is there, like, crack, or something, processed into the wood of this bench? Because it’s been in the family now for several generations, and it seems like every single old man’s activity of choice is taking a nap on this cold, hard, outdoor, wooden bench, even though there are many, many warmer, squishier things inside that can be napped on?

The only explanation at this point is that the bench is made out of some form of Old Man Heroin, which is not a thing except I just made it up.

Darajat manages to survive her second pregnancy, no thanks to me, and gives birth to another boy, this one named Jefferson.

Jefferson’s father, from one of Darajat’s fify bajillion dream dates (Pleasure Sims, amirite?), is a massage therapist named Abhijeet. He has not taken kindly to Stalkerific Aunt Carla.

Meanwhile outside, Sentrybot is finally starting to earn his keep. Abhijeet the maid who decided that he hated Darajat with every fiber of his soul because she had morning sickness on a date will not be back to steal our newspaper anytime soon, methinks.

Clarification: Abhijeet the maid is not to be confused with Abhijeet the massage therapist, who is Jefferson’s father, or Abhijeet the coach, who is Morgan’s father. I thought it would be funny to go with a theme.

“Sorry, gotta get all my unecessary scares in before the bingo game at the Afterlife Rec Center.”

Why is it that whenever your only daughter almost dies you’re always horizontal?

Morgan grows into a child. Just to warn you, kiddo, it is highly unlikely that you’re going to actually be raised by your mother. She’s always either pregnant or on dates with dudes named Abhijeet.

“How about my grandpa?”

He’s, uh, great, but he tends to nap a lot. I’d say you should place your fate in the robot’s hands. Either him or the family German Shepherd.

“Huh boy.”

You said it, bud.

I suppose it was inevitable, but I stepped away from the game for a few minutes, not realizing 1) Darajat was asleep standing up in the upstairs bedroom, inches from both starvation and incontinence and 2) the game wasn’t paused.
Foolishly choosing to abandon the plate of food that was directly in front of her face to rush to the bathroom, Darajat succumbed to starvation.

Ah, but we are safe, right? Because Darajat and Bjorn are best friends, and he is right here on the front porch and he can save her, RIGHT?

Unfortunately, this bathroom is always the absolute worst place for anything to happen, because NOBODY CAN EVER FIGURE OUT HOW TO MANEUVER AROUND IT, and what with Grimmy, the maid, the stricken Darajat, and the family cat wandering around underfoot, Bjorn has stomp and shoo-flee about until it’s too late.

This leaves us with only Morgan and Jefferson, who’s still a baby, to carry on the legacy line, and only the robot and the rapidly aging PVD to raise them. This sounds a little like a mediocre sitcom in the making.

Can you guys handle this?

“Om nom nom salmon.”

Yeah, I’d definitely cast my lot with the robot.

It’s up to Bjorn to keep the businesses up and running. Aside from his annoying habit of queue-stomping important tasks to “Do Chores,” he makes a pretty efficient business owner.

The customers can get kind of annoying though, especially when they upend the laws of physics, like the impermeability of solid objects.

Oh, nothin’. Just shopping for some toys. Casual.

“You shaved all my hair off and gave me a ridiculous makeup job! You suck! Here’s a tip!”

Right. Thanks?

Bjorn and PVD agree that fatherhood is hard and help themselves to a couple of stiff drinks.


Morgan’s childhood has been quite lonely thus far, as evidenced by the friends he’s made, which include Sprinkerty, the pet brick that’s been in the family for generations.

There’s also Double Blind Study (I must have been doing my psych homework at the time), the cat, with whom he has an excellent relationship.

Finally, he and the neighborhood Bigfoot got to hanging out when he wandered onto one of the business lots. Basically, all of Morgan’s emotional support comes from inanimate objects and other non-humans. Poor kid.

“Mom! Have you come back from the afterlife to provide me with some motherly wisdom that will cast some light on my dark and lonely childhood?”

“You’re in the way of the fridge. Move.”

Bigfoot also constituted one of the many unusual guests at baby Jefferson’s birthday party. Those scantily-clad ladies are customers/victims of the family salon. They were cavorting in the hottub before being summoned to witness the cake ceremony.

Well, somebody’s mad that they weren’t invited.

Jefferson refuses to grow up. Bjorn continues to make attempts with several different cakes, while the guests get bored and wander off to the bubble machine.

PVD, meanwhile, is busy getting deaded, leaving Bjorn alone to raise the boys.

To make things yet more interesting, one of the businesses gets borked while Bjorn is on it, so he’s stuck there and the house won’t load. The only way to get them out is to Boolprop-ify them onto an empty lot, and build them a new house from scratch.

This is what the house looked like until I realized that Bjorn has like 4,000 vacation homes that he can sell.

So now it’s a real house, layout readjusted for hopefully less failstomping. I’ve named the lot Simon Who Is From Space, which is a reference to the Numberwang segment from That Mitchell and Webb Look, which is an absolutley brilliant British sketch comedy show, and Numberwang never fails to make me giggle.

The boys grow up into teenagers. Here’s Morgan, who’s a fortune Sim.

And Jefferson chooses Pleasure, and immediately chooses to act on it. Because one thing we definitely need more of around here is pillow-fighting, bubble-blowing, tub-pirating, sea-shantying serial daters.

The boys participate in the traditional Kirkegaard teenage ritual of going to The One Nightclub In Town and trying to find dates among the slim pickings that is the Tierra Linda teenage townie population.

Here we see Morgan not getting super lucky with Adrian Tsvirkunov, who waaaay back in Generation 1 was the only townie in the whole neighborhood, and came by like four times a day.

Jefferson discovers that he has a lot in common with one of the Tricou townies, including their taste in tremendously ugly vests, and their willingness to flirt in bathroom stalls.

The brothers get along super well. Since for most of their lives they’ve had no family members besides each other, at least none that are carbon-based, they are each others’ best friend, confidante, and playmate.

Sometimes they are arguably a little too friendly.

“Uhh, Jefferson? Aren’t we supposed to be on a date?”

“Yeah, uh, hang on a sec, this pillow fight is HILARIOUS.”

(Sung to the tune of O Christmas Tree)
O awkward kiss, O awkward kiss
Your brother is just standing there
O awkward kiss, O awkward kiss
Also your dog kind of smells like dead squirrel...

And yet despite everything, the date ends up going really well.


And since this chapter is getting ridonkulously long, and I suck at ending stuff, here is a zombine top hat tracksuit fisherman. Yay!